I'm often asked what I look for in a partner or what I want from a relationship so I figured I'd write this post about the keys to a relationship (and what I want from my partner as while as what I require from myself). So in no particular order here are the four most important things.
Communication - this includes open honest discussions as well as actively listening to your partner. Because no matter how many times I say something, if you aren’t listening, you will never understand. Speaking and feeling, not only heard but understood is so very important and can help a relationship go so much further. Also, at least from my viewpoint, if you are unsure about something please just ask for clarification. If you're unsure how to respond ask how they want you to respond from a small list of what you think would be the right ways to respond. Please know, that you are not expected to know everything, and every person is different. What worked before may not work now. So ask questions and explain if you have to. As a female, if anyone took the time to say "listen I understand what you're going through and I want to be here to help and support you, but I’m not sure how to do that would you prefer this, this, or this?" That goes so far. Sometimes I need to rant and just say stuff out loud, sometimes I need advice, and other times I might need something else. So if you aren’t sure just ask, it will save you from future fights and misunderstandings.
Trust - a two-way street. The best way I've found to create trust is to take a chance and never respond in an unhelpful way. To give someone your secrets and trust in them means you have to feel safe in their reactions to any news you might give them. This isn’t to say you can't be unhappy with what they say, but rather to respond in a healthy way. If you don’t like what you hear do some reflection on why it made you unhappy and ask your partner questions to understand them. With my sister I've walked her through everything I can think of, I've warned her a million times to not make my mistakes or the mistakes of people I know. But in the end, she knows if she makes a mistake she can come to me because I love her and at the end of the day all I care about is that she is alive and safe.
Love - an unconditional feeling rather than a fleeting lust. Love is by far an extremely complicated topic. In its complexity is its beauty but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Love starts as gentle care and concern for another person and then builds. You'll know it's love when you think of them and smile. When even when you're mad at them you still love and care for them. No matter how badly they mess up or how much they hurt you, you still want the best for them, even if that no longer means you can be a piece of their future. Love is painful and difficult. But it is so strong. And yes, sometimes love can be one-sided, and it sucks. But the great thing about love, the thing so many people forget is there are a million different kinds of love. There’s the love you have for friends, the love you feel for strangers, family love, and the love you have when you're in a relationship working towards building a future together.
Support - an unwavering helping hand to assist in the most difficult of circumstances. Support is needed in the easy times and the hard times. It is the trust that when you need help or they need help you'll each be there. Sometimes it's just lending an ear or being a cheerleader, other times it might mean waking up in the middle of the night to help someone through a crisis or pick them up from a dangerous situation. These are the moments when you might need to set aside your judgments to be there for them. This is where real life and struggles truly test you. Where the happy and perfect feelings might fail and you see the ugly truth of each other. These are the messy moments in life and how you each step up or work through them. It might mean holding hair back as someone gets sick, or cuddling with them even if they haven't showered or brushed their teeth in several days. These are the moments when others might ask you why you stick it out, why you stay together. Sometimes this is when you are there through depression, suicide attempts, and addictions. There are a million things but the important part is how you respond and show up for them. They may not appreciate it immediately, they may not be able to say thank you or tell you how much they love you, but those are the moments when you can truly strengthen your bond together.
Communication - this includes open honest discussions as well as actively listening to your partner. Because no matter how many times I say something, if you aren’t listening, you will never understand. Speaking and feeling, not only heard but understood is so very important and can help a relationship go so much further. Also, at least from my viewpoint, if you are unsure about something please just ask for clarification. If you're unsure how to respond ask how they want you to respond from a small list of what you think would be the right ways to respond. Please know, that you are not expected to know everything, and every person is different. What worked before may not work now. So ask questions and explain if you have to. As a female, if anyone took the time to say "listen I understand what you're going through and I want to be here to help and support you, but I’m not sure how to do that would you prefer this, this, or this?" That goes so far. Sometimes I need to rant and just say stuff out loud, sometimes I need advice, and other times I might need something else. So if you aren’t sure just ask, it will save you from future fights and misunderstandings.
Trust - a two-way street. The best way I've found to create trust is to take a chance and never respond in an unhelpful way. To give someone your secrets and trust in them means you have to feel safe in their reactions to any news you might give them. This isn’t to say you can't be unhappy with what they say, but rather to respond in a healthy way. If you don’t like what you hear do some reflection on why it made you unhappy and ask your partner questions to understand them. With my sister I've walked her through everything I can think of, I've warned her a million times to not make my mistakes or the mistakes of people I know. But in the end, she knows if she makes a mistake she can come to me because I love her and at the end of the day all I care about is that she is alive and safe.
Love - an unconditional feeling rather than a fleeting lust. Love is by far an extremely complicated topic. In its complexity is its beauty but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Love starts as gentle care and concern for another person and then builds. You'll know it's love when you think of them and smile. When even when you're mad at them you still love and care for them. No matter how badly they mess up or how much they hurt you, you still want the best for them, even if that no longer means you can be a piece of their future. Love is painful and difficult. But it is so strong. And yes, sometimes love can be one-sided, and it sucks. But the great thing about love, the thing so many people forget is there are a million different kinds of love. There’s the love you have for friends, the love you feel for strangers, family love, and the love you have when you're in a relationship working towards building a future together.
Support - an unwavering helping hand to assist in the most difficult of circumstances. Support is needed in the easy times and the hard times. It is the trust that when you need help or they need help you'll each be there. Sometimes it's just lending an ear or being a cheerleader, other times it might mean waking up in the middle of the night to help someone through a crisis or pick them up from a dangerous situation. These are the moments when you might need to set aside your judgments to be there for them. This is where real life and struggles truly test you. Where the happy and perfect feelings might fail and you see the ugly truth of each other. These are the messy moments in life and how you each step up or work through them. It might mean holding hair back as someone gets sick, or cuddling with them even if they haven't showered or brushed their teeth in several days. These are the moments when others might ask you why you stick it out, why you stay together. Sometimes this is when you are there through depression, suicide attempts, and addictions. There are a million things but the important part is how you respond and show up for them. They may not appreciate it immediately, they may not be able to say thank you or tell you how much they love you, but those are the moments when you can truly strengthen your bond together.
