I just want to start off by saying that I am truly, deeply, eternally grateful for every human that is or has ever been a part of my life 💚Your company and support has never gone unnoticed or unappreciated and I am a terribly lucky girl to have shared so many smiles on and off camera with such special humans to me.
Lately, and by lately I mean this past year + honestly, I’ve been falling apart and feeling like I’m losing my ability to be a good, happy, functioning, engaging, proactive and productive human. I’ve gone on antidepressants, off of them, and back on them. When I went to the dr last week, I had more medication changes that frankly I’m just too tired to argue with or think about. I feel like such a lackluster creature and I’m so sorry for that. I don’t like the way I’m presenting my streams lately, I don’t like that I can’t sleep but I want to go to bed all the time, I don’t like that I can’t seem to make everything perfect or even functional here at home or on cam... I just don’t like life lately. I want to take all my pictures down and throw everything away. I feel like everything should be gone, everywhere should be as empty as I feel. I don’t like having zero energy, even for moments that should make me happy and should have a reason to look forward to. I don’t like feeling like I’m not the amount of enough I need to be to give or share in joy anymore. I haven’t felt *this* poorly in a while and I’m tired. I just want to shut the fuck up forever. I don’t know what else to say except I’m tired and I’m sorry I’m not making everything as energetic and well-put and thought out and well done as I know I could be doing if I wasn’t so burnt out. This feels stupid to type out because I feel like I’m saying “hey, there’s a puddle of shitty stuff going on here” because I don’t have the right words to describe the ocean of hell I’m trying to express. I have zero desire to express anything anymore honestly, like what’s the point. This sounds all grim and boo hoo and I’m sorry for that. I’m really just trying to say I’m trying to do my best and I have been doing my best and I will continue to do my best to every capacity.
I almost didn’t log on today. Imagine that, I can only stream for an hour at a time with Munster being ill and the zoo discombobulated and I’m having the audacity to consider just saying “fuck it”. Fuck it because I was crying hysterically once again, fuck it because it feels like the walls are caving in and my world is imploding and the list of things to do just keeps getting bigger and I keep sleeping less and having more nightmares when I do and I’m not doing anything to any recognizable standard so what’s the point. I’ve been asking myself what’s the point for so long now. The point is to stay alive, the point is to do my job well and consistently, the point is to take the best care of the zoo possible, the point is to be a good & supporting friend &... but the reality is that all of that feels unattainable moreso everyday. I haven’t cried this much or every day in a while and it fucking sucks. I just want to be and feel like “me” again. I don’t know what to say. I’m sick of feeling so down and like there is never a perceivable light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could just take a break to try to heal and rebuild the parts of myself that I need and miss, but that’s not really an option for many reasons. I feel really lost.
Thank you for hearing me out. Thank you for this space to open up. I sucked it up and showed up today, and thank you for showing up with me. Every day I am doing my absolute best and thank you cam fam for always doing your best with me. ♥️
