An open letter to those I love:
Thank you for being here. All of you and any of you, for all of these years. Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me, some of your deepest thoughts and vulnerabilities and successes and joys. Thank you for the connections we have shared.
And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I have failed you all by becoming less and less over the past 365 days, give or take. i’m sorry for my shortcomings. I’m sorry for the ways and days I haven’t shown up as 100% of me. I’m sorry if I’ve ever asked for too much. i’m sorry that I probably have often been too much. I’m sorry for my absences. I’m sorry for my existence. I’m sorry for the pain that I’ve caused with boundaries that I’ve set. Please try to understand that any boundaries i’ve set have been because I feel unsafe or put down/made to feel less than/walked on/yelled at.. I think I have tried to do my best to communicate and please understand that I can only encompass so much hurt. But we are only human, and I am sorry.
I’d like to think that all of these years that I have seen the amazing humans that you can all be and are, and that maybe you’ve seen me as a human being, too. I’m not certain on that one, but I’m optimistically sharing my appreciation for our mutual efforts.
I want to apologize most of all for my silence and stagnancy for roughly the past year, but particularly since fall 2023 when my symptoms worsened. It’s not fair or kind to withhold information, but some things are deeply personal. On the same token, it’s not fair to be untimely due to personal issues and I deeply apologize. On another token, I am grateful. This huge dose of reality pushed me to other avenues to pursue my lifelong dreams of being committed to animal rescue efforts. I can say I am proud of that.
it is only fair that I am honest with you all that I am uncertain of my capacities to perform on MFC/OF, but I am diligently committed to my goals in the animal rescue world. It’s a privilege to be able to work for years to begin to take the steps to accomplish a dream and I deeply hope that is something I can continue to do. i understand if our paths do not align and i wish nothing but the best as you find your joy in this world ♥️ if this is where i step aside and we all say goodbyes— just know, i love you and thankyou for everything ❤️
any content i owe will be delivered ASAP, but i would appreciate your patience at this stage please 🙏 thankyou 💚
it is only fair that I am honest with you all that I am uncertain of my capacities to perform on MFC/OF, but I am diligently committed to my goals in the animal rescue world. It’s a privilege to be able to work for years to begin to take the steps to accomplish a dream and I deeply hope that is something I can continue to do. i understand if our paths do not align and i wish nothing but the best as you find your joy in this world ♥️ if this is where i step aside and we all say goodbyes— just know, i love you and thankyou for everything ❤️
any content i owe will be delivered ASAP, but i would appreciate your patience at this stage please 🙏 thankyou 💚
——
this next part is deeply vulnerable for me, so if this is where we lovingly, part ways,, I wish you the best and all of the happiness this world has to offer and let us think of each other in the most kindest moments of memories.
——
For a little over the past year, I have had worsening health issues that at this point are no longer treatable or manageable on a low level scale. I’ve kept this to myself as much as possible as I hoped it would resolve, but there is no longer a resolution in sight— only hope.
I will be doing everything possible to attend all conventions in April, and I have scheduled the rest of my scans and appointments for the next couple weeks and then have them paused until May. I’m on a few waiting lists, so if something comes up sooner, I will need to take that.
I will be doing everything possible to show up on stream with 100% of myself , but during the day is when I feel the most symptomatic and I can see and feel and our interactions that my physical existence is affecting a lot. I’ve been trying and failing at every step it feels like. It’s affecting the shows that I produce, and the content that I’m able to deliver and , the way we were able to joking and playful in the past. I feel like I have tried to communicate offline, but maybe I haven’t done enough and I’m sorry.
A lot of my healthcare recently has been out of pocket and expensive, and I have been afraid to ask for help due to the weight of the burden of illness— and i’ve just been too tired to figure out how to ask without being a burden. I hate feeling like a burden. I never want to cause you all stress or worry. And I didn’t want you all to think less of me or see me as broken. However, it’s become more stressful than I can manage to the point where it’s making me even sicker to be stressed out and I am breaking down. If I’m not streaming, I’m getting sick. If I’m not getting sick, I’m crying. I’m scared I’m not spending enough time having love available to the zoo. I’m scared of a lot lately.
I would like to ask for support, but I don’t even know where to start. If any friends are willing to lend a helping hand, it would mean a lot if you could reach out to communicate. I’m sorry that I can’t promise anything in return other than my gratitude but if you’ve taken the time to read this, I know that you care deeply and thank you for your time and compassion. I would like to try to ask for the privilege of support in having time to exist in life with the furbabies and the safety and security of not having to stress over truly not being able to have the time to balance home + appointments + valuable time
I’m an extremely terrified human being at this point in my life, and with that being said, I think I would like to formally adopt our foster kitty, Charlie. I do not make this choice lightly but she has been a great comfort during my stress and pain and illness, and although she is very young, I have been reassured that my dad will care for her, if anything were to happen. Right now I need help and hope, and the hope that I can hold to is to have a full life with her, in addition to the rest of the mature zoo 🐾
edit/update 4/3/24– I have been diagnosed so far with Crohn’s disease. This is not fatal, but can be life threatening. Taking steps to reduce stress is crucial for feeling better. When we're less stressed, our bodies & minds can heal more effectively.
When there’s days we can’t connect, please understand I need to rest + have patience with me 💕 I can’t push myself insanely anymore. I’m sorry.Thank you gents for your spoils + I appreciate all you’s continue to do to make me feel so cared for + supported 🥰 especially at this time. Hoping to move in the direction of treatment going forward. A few more diagnostics in between conventions this month. So thankful I pushed + advocated for my healthcare after a year+/- of suffering + shuffling. I’m just so grateful i’m not like… dying 🥲
edit/update 4/3/24– I have been diagnosed so far with Crohn’s disease. This is not fatal, but can be life threatening. Taking steps to reduce stress is crucial for feeling better. When we're less stressed, our bodies & minds can heal more effectively.
When there’s days we can’t connect, please understand I need to rest + have patience with me 💕 I can’t push myself insanely anymore. I’m sorry.Thank you gents for your spoils + I appreciate all you’s continue to do to make me feel so cared for + supported 🥰 especially at this time. Hoping to move in the direction of treatment going forward. A few more diagnostics in between conventions this month. So thankful I pushed + advocated for my healthcare after a year+/- of suffering + shuffling. I’m just so grateful i’m not like… dying 🥲
