I think this has been a long time coming. I’ve been struggling for a while. At first it was silently, and then I made an official announcement (on 5/12/23). I thought the announcement would help me hold myself accountable. And maybe it did for a little bit, but then I didn’t want to disappoint anyone and I started relapsing silently. My relapses have been getting worse and worse. Almost in a self-harming kind of way. I feel like I have all the right resources available to get myself better but I’m just not using them. Each time I make a mistake, I know I’m making a decision that is going to set me back. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I’ve learned that I don’t need to drink on cam to be entertaining, but part of me still feels like I do. How will I be energetic? How will I be fun? Do I feel like it's not exciting when it’s just me?? Perhaps this is just my addiction gaslighting me. These are things that I need to reflect on. I’m hoping rehab will help me answer some of these questions. I have never been away from home for this long. Without my phone, internet, my pets, my support system. But I feel like I have some serious self reflecting to do. Losing my Dad a month ago didn’t help. I feel like people don’t love me for me anymore, I feel like they love me for a version of myself that I am constantly portraying. This is all so personal and honest to write knowing that literally anyone can read it. But I am choosing courage over comfort. I don’t know what else to say besides just please don’t give up on me. I will come out of this a better person. Not just for me but for all of you. ❤️ I will not have any access to my phone or internet for at least 14 days. Please don’t forget about me, I will be thinking about all of you while I am away. I can't offer any perks at this time because lord knows I already owe so many perks to soo many people. BUT I will offer to whoever contributes the most towards this goal my next blanket I am working on. It's something nice and relaxing I can work on during my time away in rehab. 🧶 💚Alternate ways to support me: Cashapp @RaeRileyyy Venmo @Rae-Riley