I am writing it…My dears!Â
Yesterday when I firstly read my profile after a long time with your notes I felt pain and wanted to cry. It was important for me to feel you but also it was sad. Now I am crying a little because I feel the era is finished. I love you! I know you don’t understand why I left and how it happened, where I am and if everything is all right. And I wanted to tell you what happened. You deserve to know it and I am ready to do it.Â
It’s been longer than a year since the last time I was online. There was no day for me without thinking about you, about not telling you good bye, about not partying hard like we were, about not dancing with you (I still listen to my camming playlist quite a lot), about your feelings, about writing this letter. But today is the day I am ready to write. Just today I can tell you about you, about me, about our era.Â
I know you may be angry with me, disappointed or just don’t understand what happened. The period I wasn’t camming – was my hardest period in life. I was growing up. You always saw me smiling, happy, energetic. Also you saw me as a FILLE (girl). We all knew I needed to grow up. I had to overcome my lessons. I had to make the next step. Last several month of camming you saw me with less energy, I was always saying I don’t have energy, I was like veggie. This was the beginning of my ass, but I didn’t realize it yet. I had two ways: or to overcome this ass or to give up and exist in life not to live life. I was becoming a zombie: no energy, no desire in my eyes, nothing. You were sad I wasn't with you often, but I wasn't with myself.Â
 Outside the cam last months of camming (I dind’t thought were the last month) were filled with many tears, with panic attacks, with fears. . I was preparing for online for hours and it was difficult for me. I didn’t want you to see me that way and I also I didn’t understand what was going with me life. I started to come less often and often. I thought I was burned out, I was not interesting for you, not interesting even for me (of course it was in my head!). I started to fail greatly everywhere. I had difficult time in life understanding what was going on. And suddenly I had a suggestion to start my own business. I thought it was good chance for me. You know about it. It was the second big trap as I found out after. And that trap ate me totally. There were no more Sophie which you knew, no more smile on my face, just nerves. Smile was the habbit not the feeling from inside. I was laughting only because I was hiding under laught. I dind’t belong to myself. I was existing. I was camming but it was not me, I was escaping (you remember it), smth was happened with my technics I don't know why. One day I dind't appear, another day dind't appear, one week, month, several monthes I dind’t come online. All this time I was sure I will be back. I was hoping my ass will be finished. My energy will be back. I remember the last time I was online - I wasn't even online. I came, everything was not working and I left. THat is how much inner nerved situation I had. I could start to cry right infront of cam. Time was going but nothing, nothing happened. My mental health was crying and looking for survival. And then a year without you happened. One day I was crying deeply. I realized how I missed you, how I missed being me: missed dancing, missed that easy life taking, those jokes, smiles, sex jokes which no one around understands, our fun which could appear only in my head being with you. I lost it all. Â
Every fucking day I was thinking about you. I was worried. I was trying to text with you in snapchat. When I was talking with you in snapchat I was crying with elephant tears. It was difficult for me even to chat, beucase I understood how much pain you had and how my pain I had. I was hoping to be back. But Sophie was absent. She dind’t have power. She was looking for herself. FUCK!!!! Before this moment in my life I thought being who you are, being yourself is soo easy. But its not. I had this time to realise who I am. TO get to know myself and realise I am the personality. I have the right on my thought, on my opinion, on my actions. No one can violate me. No one can tell me what to do. It’s only me. I was in big deep cave. I was a zombie. Not the Sophie you knew.
I couldn't tell you anything because I dind’t know what to tell. I even couldn’t appear to you with letter like this or with video which I wanted to make for you – because I would be crying all time and telling you “I will be back, guys I missed you, I just need my power back”. That would be unfair to both of us. I didn’t write you anything and didn’t tell anything. I didn’t want you to see me as a zombie, not as Sophie but as a dry bread.Â
2020 is real disaster for many people. For me 2020 opened my eyes. I found out many things due to it about people around me, about me. I started to breathe when I understood some serious lessons. Secondly I started to look for myself. I had to realize I am the WOMAN. Not a girl anymore. I had to grow. TO take responsibility. To understand how fucking awesome and strong I am!!! I am the Woman, good woman! Powerful! Awesome! Amazing! I can bring light!!! I am in the beginning of my way of being a Woman, of being myself, but I am not that little girl who doesn’t take responsibility and who doesn’t value those amazing things she made. I had crazy things happened in my life, I had lost myself and started to know myself. It was terribly difficult time with lots of work, tears, fears. But it was worth it! Everything is worth it! Those difficulties help us realise who we are.Â
And finally I can write you this letter. I can tell you how happy I am that I had such era in my life! Such important era! MY dears, our time wasnt a simple time! It left the step in everyone’s heart who is reading it now! I grew up here! It was the right place for me I will never regret. I was myself with you and just now I understand that you knew me more than I knew myself. You saw me, the real me and I dind’ knew it. I feel a bit jeleous because you knew me way before me, but also with the help of it I started to understand myself just some time ago. I truly believe that we were both important to each other – in other way we wouldn’t made out time so special and amazing. I am greatful everyone I met here, even everyone I banned – cause this skill is one of my favourites haha.Â
Even now I can make you laught a little. This place was the right place for me cause it was supporting and helping my energy to open. And I was suggested to create Sex toys or sex lingerie – smth like this, cause it will suit my sexual energy too. So my dears!!! If one day I do it (and believe me I am gonna do it, maybe creating awesome sex club, or making the best sex parties in the world) – you will know about it! I love sexuality! Â
So my dears!! This is it! This is Sophie the grown woman here writing you now, not the little girl anymore. I am still crazy, I still prefer not to think much and not to be so serious. Yes I am still not as energetic as I was before, but I will increase my power. I am just in the beginning. I am on my way to myself as being a woman and understanding my sexuality, my femininity. I do love you! And I am so grateful for having such crazy amazing loving people with me! You made me to believe in myself and make a step on my path. I will not come back on mfc, don’t wait for me. But I will be in your heart the way you are in my heart! There is no Sophie without such amazing part of her life!
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I kiss you! I send you my love and my warmth! You are fucking amazing my dears!
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Sophie. The Woman.Â
