My life has been a long journey. Honestly I can't tell you the last time I was honestly happy. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a genuine smile on my face. I have been searching lately for a meaning to life, a meaning to my life, a purpose..something that will make my life seem like it's worth living. And I know there are people who depend on me. But I haven't even been living my life, I feel like I am a robot walking in someone else's shoes, living someone else's life. When I wake up in the mornings, I dread having to be here another day living the life I live. It makes me question why I do it.. And the most fucked up thing about it is that I don't know why. I put up with things I shouldn't and I don't know why. And I don't even know where to start to turn it all around. It's one big ass mess and I don't know where to start cleaning. It's kind of sad actually, a little pathetic. And I don't even know why I am writing this, it's not like anyone cares to hear it. But, I'm drowning.. Emotionally, spiritually, financially, I am drowning..with no life jacket anywhere in sight..no boat around to help save me. Only a bunch of sharks swimming around, circling me waiting for the first drop of blood so they can tear me apart. It makes me question, is there a meaning to all of this, what will come of all of this, of everything I am going through. To be sure there has to be a reason, maybe one day it will all come together. Until then I guess I will wonder. Why.