End of a Decade.. 

Teenager to early twenties; my most formative years of life. Impossible not to learn and grow and become the person you really are, in those years. I’ve always heard from family and friend and even strangers that I have an “old soul” — I guess it’s a compliment, but I’ve never known how to take it or what it was commenting on. I think people can see I’ve dealt with a lot in life already at such a young age. I had to grow up fast around my substance abusing family, and often times I was alone with just my younger brother at age 5. I’ve had to see my mother struggle with her health and addiction; I’ve been ripped away from my family and been tugged between my biological one and my foster care one and my adoptive one; I’ve had to endure losing my friend to suicide and losing myself in those feelings later too; I’ve had to deal with being heart broken in more than one way and left alone to be scared and deal with drama out-falling; I’ve had to deal with serious bullying and learn to cope with people being nasty for no other reason but they are lost in their ego; I’ve had to deal with sexual assault and teaching myself to feel safe in my body again; I’ve had to learn how to truly love the person I am and not be co-dependent on others for my happiness; I’ve had to learn when to ask for help and help the hardest person — myself — when I was at my darkest. 

There’s been so much more I’ve learned; mainly internally in dealing with myself. I say all this because we just celebrated my 5 Year Cammiversary, and now we celebrate the end of a decade! So some of you, quite literally, have watched me grow up in these last 5 years. I’ve fooled myself in the past to think that I’ve reached my peak, both in success and mainly happiness, in 2016 .... but that’s just not true. I’m so young, and it’s incredibly naive to think that way. But also I’ve gotten proof— 2019 was the best year I’ve lived in this decade. Truly. There is no peak happiness outside of the one you find in yourself. Topped with incredible and genuine friends around you.. I’ve never felt this good. I’ve never had moments of being alone and happy until this year. It’s been the blessing I never knew I’d achieve. It’s funny to me now — back in 2017/early 2018, when I was contemplating suicide once again, the thing that kept me spiraling worse was the thought that “IDK what I’ll be doing 20 years from now, but I know 100% fact that I’ll be dealing with my depression and I’ll feel like shit and have to cope with it”. And that was a exhausting way to think. It extinguished any future hope or aspirations I had. And it just wasn’t right. I mean.. clearly when you are depressed your mind is sick and can’t rationale correctly.. 

But I just want to say thank you. For supporting any version of myself you’ve come into contact with over these last 5 years. Im extremely happy and proud of the person I am, genuinely, and it’s been a journey to get here — and I havent fooled myself into thinking thats over. There is so much negative self-talk and behavior I still do to myself, but Deep down I’m happy and love myself. I think in the past I would have been scared of the future because of how I felt in 2016, and how hard it crashed.. but Im not. Im just thankful for the past, and it only makes me excited for the next decade and what’s to come. I can’t wait to see if I’ll write some way-too-long post then about how naive and dumb I was now. Love you all; like a moth to the moon; I flock to your light ❤️ To more love shared together in 2020!