I grew up in a home where church happened enough to make an impression but not enough to say we went all the time. Even though we didn’t always attend, Jesus was still quite prevalent in my home and in my community. Every move I made that was challenging was met with “pray about it”.
What others wore or what they did was met with high scrutiny and I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “and she’s supposed to be a Christian”. Sadly, most of this judgement was almost always directed at women. Pastors could be found to be screwing their members and somehow the woman was still the only one blamed. She knew he was a married man, she was always wearing that bright red lipstick, her skirts came above the knee and a multitude of other “sins” that weren’t really sins.
God forbid she have a truly voluptuous body, she was almost expected to wear nothing flattering as if her body were her choice. I grew up feeling like I needed to be the “good girl” to escape this type of judgement. As I grew into an adult, I looked to other ways of being sexy that allowed me to be covered but I also avoided most churches. Those women were vicious and I wanted no part of it but it did not mean I’d be able to outrun my upbringing.
Over the years when I would want to do “questionable” things, there was always that devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. That damned angel would win most of the time. I have no regrets for that, because of choosing to be the angel more often than not, I have a lot of respect from my peers.
When I started considering sex work based on a conversation I had over lunch I had a true fight within myself. These days, I consider myself a spiritual person but I left religion behind decades ago yet, I was still hearing the angel tell me this was bad, it wasn’t for me. It was for women who were trashy, desperate, broke…yet here I was wanting to do it and I didn’t consider myself to be any of those things. Judging others…just like those women from church all those years ago. I have often teased that I am so open minded that sometimes my brain may fall out and here I was judging people I didn’t know. I decided to get over myself and get off my high horse. I started researching and what I learned was so surprising that I now have nothing but respect for the folks who have made a choice similar to the one I have now made.
I researched for over a year this industry, while doing so, I have made some friends and they are not at all what I thought. It doesn’t take anyone a year and a half to figure out if they want to do this. I had a crisis of conscious, I was worried, what if people found out, then I realized, joy comes in different forms and respect does not pay bills. In my vanilla life, I have done a lot of things that didn’t bring me joy. I have sold my time and attention for less than I deserved and had a lot of aggravation for it. In my mind these days, I am still selling my time and attention but I am doing so on my terms. Judge me if you want to, I have finally gotten to a place where I don’t care what you think, that angel on my shoulder approves because the people who use my services appreciate me.
